For Eva, on your fourth birthday

Dear Eva,

Today you are four and although I say the same with each passing year, I have no idea where the last four years have gone! You have changed so much from our tiny newborn baby into such a beautiful little girl, in just the blink of an eye. It is so hard to imagine a life without you in it and yet I still remember a time when I never dared imagine that we would ever be so lucky to have you.

After losing your big brother Joseph, and the many babies that followed, we never imagined that a pregnancy would last the duration or that even if it did, there would be a life at the end of it. You were the first baby that we began to inject Clexane every day in the hope that it might keep you safe, never knowing if it would, or did, make a difference. And with each scan, of which there were many, we were told that you were growing strong, that you appeared healthy and that there was no reason whatsoever why you wouldn’t survive.

But still, I refused to buy a single Babygro (which is so unlike Mummy as you know how much I love shopping!), I wouldn’t let Daddy decorate the nursery or even let myself believe that you would be ours to keep. I was so scared, even when I felt those little flutters in my tummy that turned into huge, walloping kicks, I was simply holding my breath waiting for the day that they stopped. I was so terrified, every hour of every day, as I knew how much it would hurt to have to say Goodbye again.

And yet at thirty five weeks, following a massive bleed, I was rushed in for induction and it all began to feel very real. Laying there, strapped to machines and monitors, your little heart rate shooting up and down, I couldn’t help but think about the last time that I was there, by some cruel twist of fate in the same ward, and the same room, being induced with your brother. And physically, you were my hardest labour, you really weren’t for being born unlike your siblings! I should have known then just how stubborn you would become, and how you will only ever do anything in your own time.

So at 7.45pm on the 23rd February, just as Manchester United was about to kick off, a fact which your big brother has never let me forget, it was one of the most amazing moments of my entire life when you arrived into the world, 48cm long and weighing 5lb 4oz. You were absolutely beautiful with a shock of blonde hair, perfect in every way, and best of all, screaming at the top of your lungs. And I loved you in a heartbeat, as they placed you on my chest and I looked down into your perfect little face, I have never in all my life experienced a feeling like that of meeting my first little rainbow.

There are moments in life that you never forget, so many moments that it becomes impossible to choose just one, and yet I think if I was forced to choose just one which made me happier than I had ever imagined, it was the moment that your big brother met you for the very first time. Just twenty minutes old, he burst into that hospital room, aged eight, ready to meet his sibling for the very first time and just thinking about it now, the tears are streaming down my face. There are no words which will ever describe that feeling, so much more momentous for all that we had been through, and he loved you so much. From the word go, you stole his heart and four years later you have never given it back.

It took a long time for me to allow myself to believe that you were ours to keep. Walking out of that hospital with you felt like a dream, hearing your perfect lttle snores as you lay beside me had me pinching myself over and over, and having you in my arms just twelve weeks later when I married your Daddy I couldn’t believe we had ever been so lucky. I was floating on air for months after your arrival, I still am.

You were such an adorable baby, not only beautiful, which you undoubtedly were, but just such a contented, laid back little girl and you made being a Mummy so easy. Everywhere we went people would comment on your huge blue eyes and your blonde hair, and I was the proudest Mummy in all the world, I always will  be.

By fifteen months you were a big sister to Megan, and from day one you thrived in your role, exerting your authority whenever possible. Just weeks after your second birthday you were big sister to Harry and suddenly had a whole tribe of siblings to boss about, Lewis included! You had us all wrapped around your little finger, and you knew it!!

You are so funny, clever, quick witted, sarcastic and have a wicked sense of humour, you get that from your Mummy. You are stubborn, the mastermind behind all things naughty, demanding, fiercely independent and can throw the mother of all tantrums if you don’t get your own way. But at the same time you are so loving, so caring and protective towards your siblings. You shower us with affection, will tell me ten times a day that I am your best friend in all the world, snuggle into me and say, “Love you Mama”, and you know full well that Mummy can’t resist your little face when you do that and will usually follow it up with a request for a biscuit!

We have had a whirlwind of fun over the last four years. Weddings, babies, birthdays, holidays, so many memories made together. And I love spending time with you, sometimes just the two of us sneaking off together so you can tell me all of your secrets, play Princesses or read books about magical far away lands. You will always be my biggest girl and yet you are very much still my baby, forever and ever.

Last night as I tucked you into bed, I told you, with tears in my eyes, that I cannot believe what a big girl you have grown into, how four years ago you were still just a tiny baby in my tummy and that time has passed so very quickly. And you clung to me, your cheek against mine and you said, “But all of the weeks have just gone and gone and gone, and then I will be big? Can we just go back and do it all again?”. And I almost sobbed at your innocence, at the sad fact that you will never again be three, that the years are flying by and one day, in years not so far from now, you will no longer be our little girl.

And just as I was about to have a full on break down, unable to cope with the inevitable emotions that birthdays bring, you looked at me and said, “Its better out of your tummy anyway Mummy. It was full of bones and blood in there and I was getting very bloody!”. And I swallowed back the lump in my throat and I laughed, silly, hysterical laughs into the warmth of your neck and tucked you up for the very last time as my three year old little girl.

You are so precious to me Eva Sienna, my first little rainbow, the one who taught me to never give up on my dreams, to always have faith and proved to me that there is such a thing as our happy ever after.

Happy fourth birthday, I love you all of the stars in the sky. xxxxxxxxx

 

 

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